imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
