dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
