My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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