and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
