Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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