wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
