They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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