I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
