Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
