we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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