idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
