we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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