So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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