1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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