Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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