8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
