My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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