remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
