I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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