apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
