My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
