the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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