I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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