good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
