I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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