Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
