dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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