when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
