Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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