Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
