Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The uberlube is also flammable
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
