AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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