just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
