does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
