I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
