Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
