wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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