i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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