margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
