Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
