my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
