Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
