My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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