I just saw a hot homeless man
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sacagawea was the original milf.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
