Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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