I accidentally burped into my bong.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
