I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
