As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
