oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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