no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
