I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
