Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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