her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
