You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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