i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
