Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
